The Vanity Publisher – Part II

<– PART I

This short story was written many years ago by myself in retaliation to a certain subsidy publisher who had been hounding me with junk mail, all of which is now happily stuffing some old shoes. It should be known by the reader that I purposefully wrote this in a casual style: all errors were intentional. —Kaleb

CONTINUED…

Upon receiving this enormous fee, the author was forced to sell his open-air home for one made of sludge- which is a fancy term for climbing down a manhole cover and living in the sewer. Then, the subsidy publisher packaged up the one remaining copy of the manuscript, and mailed it to The Small Town Gazette, a small town gazette, and offered to pay them for any sort of review they could give. There was a packaging fee, a handling fee, a duct tape fee, a gas mileage fee, a post office fee, a postage fee, a publicity fee, a marketing fee, a reviewer fee and a courier fee, all of which was charged to the author. The author, suddenly more broke than ever before, was forced to sell his sewer home to some rats who only paid half its property value, and he moved off to Mordor.

The subsidy publisher took the last copy out of refrigeration and devoured it, and while eating it, one of the subsidy publishers got a paper cut on his tongue, and another had an allergic reaction to the ink on the page. This was certainly unacceptable, so they charged the author medical fees, tongue-doctor fees, allergy-doctor fees, medicine fees, special treatment fees, gas mileage fees, hospital fees, emergency room fees, allergy medication fees, tongue-massage fees, emotional destruction fees and twenty-eight-weeks-leave-from-work fees. The author was forced to move from Mordor to live with his loud-mouthed, cranky, disbelieving mother.

TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW…