Krystal Angel Jazzmine versus Evil Editor

What writer doesn’t wish to be harpooned by the Evil Editor on his blog, at least once in their lifetime? So after my brother’s success with his Werewolf Snotlards submission, I decided to do a little submission of my own: this time, with a query I had written three years ago. I wrote this in the character of Krystal Angel Jazzmine, the vanity publisher’s worst nightmare.

The story goes that a vanity publisher had been hounding me with junk mail, trying to get me to sign my life away, and after having enough of it, I decided to send them an outline of a book. Here’s the original email:

Hi! My name is Krystal Angel Jazzmine, but my friends call me Krystal Angel Jazzmine, unless of course they’re mad at me, and then they call me other things! LOL! LOL! HAHA! Well anyway, basically I was just wanting to know a tiny eensie-teensie bit about your book business but wait anyway I guess you’d like to know a bit about me 2 haha, so here gotes nuthin. My name is Krystal Angel Jazzmine, but my friends call me Krystal Angel Jazzmine, unless of course they’re mad at me, and then they call me other things!

HAHAHAHA, yeh I’m really funny, and my books are too. I swear everyone’d love them: even my mean aunt Penelope likes them, and she doesn’t like anything, or anybody. She lives in a big old house on the top of the hil and everyone says they hope she just stays there, but I don’t know, im thinking she might just need to for groceries sometimes but I reallie don’t care. BUT anyway, right now I’m in the middle of a romance about a beautiful princess who is on a boat of a ship thingee and she’s beautiful and named Krystal after my favorite person in the whole world, ME! Haha, I was gonna name her Mrs. Publishamerica because after me ive always wanted to be a rich author and I know u have always been my first choice since I hear about some Cooke girl in someplace in that state in the south??? I dunno, but anyway, so she’s on the boat and then she’s going back to her father’s palace which is a magic palace so that she always has what she wants and lots of money and when she cries cupcakes come out but that’s a different story anyway and for some reason she was on the blasted boatamaroo and sailing back, OK? Well, she’s on her way back but since the boat is magic too its going really fast on the water cause Glimdra the fairy princess had touched it with her magic wand and of course everyone knows what that means yeah, and they’re going so fast they can’t see where they’re going and then the get to the Black Misty Place which is a very very black and misty place in the ocean where they’re boat is. Anyway, so they’re goin along and suddenly there’s a bump and Princess Krystal is tossed over the side cause all the men on the boat decided they didn’t want no manners and princesses anymore and so they don’t like her even though she’s beautiful and they’re heartless like my ex-husband, so they don’t’ care anything about anybody and just throw her over the side like she’s just a sack of potatoes, and then they sail off in her boat without even giving her her luggage back. But they did give her two banananas which was very different from my ex-husband because he would just given me one if any cuz he was a heartless bum and I was glad to be rid of him and now all I got left is his five kids crawlin all around my house and eatin up my food and he aint paid no settlement in eight months so he’s probably just ded or maybe he’s out doin what he aint supposted to be doin but that aint matter cuz im gonna be rich one day and he’ll be so sorry and ill just go and tell him ‘Whatevah!’ which is what he told me when I told him that cuz of what he told me after I told him all that stuff the week before then he was gonna have to leave but I really didn’t care a button about what he wanted cuz im gonna be rich. Anyway, Princess Krystal has been dumped on the island and then she meets this dashing sea pirate/captian/admiral/man-of-her-dreams and its love at first sight for her and he says hees the only man on the island and he had been waiting like YEARS for her to come along and he was so glad that she had been thrown over board and he had lots of money and a palace just over the hill if she came with him, and then they started off and there’s lots of other stuff but you’ll have to tell me if you want to read it before I give out more, cause like miss Rawling I cant tell everyone my secrets because one day everyone will be at MY door and trying to steal MY notebooks to find out what Princessk Rystal does next, OK? Well, i gotta go but tell me what you think and what money im gonna get and ill tell you if I accepot cause hell, I’m ready to be famous and rich and have a lot of money and a big house and maybe two pink poodles and some soft pillows.

SIGNED WITH A BIG COW KISS

Krystal Angel Jazzmine

PS Me + U = RICH!

I was never bothered by them again. I actually have a reputation for this sort of retaliation: when another vanity publisher was hounding me (why do they all seem to go after me?) I actually sent them a two-page story, detailing the fate of an author who signed their contract and ended up in a dire situation involving a crocodile in his manuscript package. I think I managed to break all the rules with that query, too…

READ the Evil Editor post on my submission here.